Heart Goes Out To Lindsay & Sam
No, I’m not kidding! I really do feel for them both.
I was thinking about Sam and Lindsay’s breakup this morning as I my girlfriend and I were driving back from dropping off her car to have the brakes done at the Grease Monkey.
When I was twenty-two everything felt soo.. I don’t know.. emotionally insurmountable than the way things feel today – love and loss of love included. I’m forty now and feel fortunate to have love and to be able to keep my shit in perspective – most of the time. BUT when I was twenty-one or twenty-two and fell in love for the first time as a baby dyke with one of my first girlfriends, shit, when that ended, I thought the world did too.
I think sometimes queer relationships are differently intimate and intense, and harder to understand your way through them, than non-queer relationships. Perhaps Lindsay and Sam have experienced something similar to what I have..
Girl meets boyish-girl, you have a connection you cannot explain, you fall in love, then it’s explained, you plow your way through all the outside social crap that comes with being queer (in this case queer and highly-watched celebrity), lots of people tell you it’s gross, while others tell you it’s hot, or that you’ll outgrow it, you fight them, you fight for your love, you defend how you feel, it’s perhaps your first love, first girl kiss, first girl sex, real love, love the way you always wanted it, sex the way you always wanted it, your youth and inexperience fuels plans that you really believe will follow through with, you count on them, talk about babies, you spend every waking moment with them, get a dog, cut out on work, drop dates with friends, to spend more time with them, you eat well because you eat out all the time, you try to find balance, but you drop more work/friends, your family has no connection with you, you are under a microscope because of your decisions, your love is leveling out, you forget what your life was like before, you cannot imagine life without your love, you start eating out less because you cook at home, you fight a little, you live together, you fight a lot, you spend too much time together, you take a break, you breakup, one of you gets called crazy by a friend, then the other gets called crazy by someone else, you go stay with a friend, you move out, the occasional drive-by graduates to the regular drive-by, late night phone calls, letters and mixed tapes that you gave to them but made for you, an attempt at a reconciliation, it lasts a day, a week, a month, the second coming of the breakup, this is it this time, the crazy one now seems sane the sane one seems crazy, friends divide again, someone says something crazy because they’re mad = hurt, someone responds with equal fuel, division is deep, you forget why you loved, you say stupid things because your heart is broken, and no one has ever felt as deeply wounded as you at that moment. You swear you will never feel that way again, you do it several more times.. if you’re lucky.
I’ve done some crazy shit in the name of love. I’m guessing I’m not alone with this given all the love songs (that someone else wrote) and that I compiled into many a mixed tape/cd. And the names of these mixed tapes/cds were soooo pathetic.
So I don’t believe that either of these girls, Lindsay and Sam, are crazy, just in love, maybe falling out of love, hurt, sad, maybe not acting the best way possible or treating the other the best way possible, but that’s what you do when you’re twenty-two. It’s just hard, you learn, it gets better, but it’s hard for a while, then it gets better.
Tell me about your first love experiences and lets see if they seem so much less crazy than the things we might be hearing about Lindsay and Sam. I guarantee you wahtever we are hearing about them, I got something crazier, in the name of love, of course.
XO, Love you, mean it.
Ian