The Queen Mary II, Our Trans Atlantic Crossing Was Really Gay

Alright so, after doing four shows at Mohegan Sun Casino in New England, Margaret, Bruce and I hopped a fairy, ahem.. ferry from New York to England. Actually is was not a ferry at all, it was the largest, most luxurious ship in the world, the Queen Mary 2.

I have no idea how they get a piece of metal that big with all the antiques, pianos, china, buffet food, and two-thousand gay men, their luggage, (and ten lesbians – and one trannie) to float on the Altantic Ocean. But they did and we got to the other side of the pond safely.

I saw a lot of homos with those circular band-aid looking patches behind their ears and I thought “how weird does that look?” or “cut yourself shaving, huh, behind your ear?” or “that dot is totally ruining that tuxedo”. Yeah, I was mean and really toughing it out.

The entire trip on the boat revolved around feeding times. Plans were made strictly around what time The Carvery had closed down, rotated new food out, and when they reopened. Late one morning, or whatever freaking time it was, we lost and hour every night heading to the UK, and many times I had no idea what hour it was. I wasn’t feeling so well and I sent Bruce and Margaret along to eat without me. When they came back I was face down on the cold tile floor in the bathroom. Trying to tough it out? Yeah right. Whose the jackass now? Margaret asked if I wanted to take something and I was hesitant. She knew I was being stubborn and offered me a stick to bite on for the rest of the trip. So, I’m the homo didn’t want to take anything and I’m the one who got green while those nice gentlemen were eating and dancing in their formal wear I was ready to barf. I did end up taking Bonine and it completely changed how I felt, near instantly.

I’m a jackass, I know.

So anyway, after I began taking the seasick meds, the trip was restful – there are no stops between NY and UK – that’s pretty much all you can do. Just wide open space which is pretty amazing to look at for about.. ohh.. say 5 minutes. But the food, the entertainment, and the people were great. Really great service from the staff of the boat.

I met some nice people, some I had run into before, Suzanne Westhoefer and her partner Jen. I met Amy Armstrong, amazing singer/entertainer who blew the bolts out of the back of the boat with her powerful vocals the last night on the ship. I also met Kyan Douglas from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He has been my secret gay crush for a long time and I was super giddy to meet him – I don’t think Margaret had seen me that way before. Kyan is even more kind than what he comes across as on the show. If you watch the show, you may have noticed an enery and kindness that is much larger in person.

Ian & Kyan on the ship, day before we landed in England.

Suzanne performed one of the first nights on the boat and Margaret and I performed later in the week. It was amazing to walk out on stage of our first show and view the sea of tuxedos in the audience. I have to say it took my breathe away at first and I needed a second once I was out there to digest how cool it all was. There were many talented folks on the trip and it was fun seeing some of the others do their thing.

The night before we landed in the UK, I could barely sleep. I kept getting up and going to the windows and opening the blinds to see if I could see land. Sure enough I could, but it was coming towards us soo slowly. I wondered if they slowed down the vessel so to not arrive too early. Who knows, could have been my impatience and excitement to land in glory ole England. I had never been before.

We landed, ate breakfast one last time at The Carvery and disembarked. It was sunny, not foggy, weird, not at all what I thought. But I was rolling with it. It’s better anyway, I had no trench coat to go with all that fog. We caught a car service to the Heathrow airport and waited four hours to hop on our plane back. So technically I’ve been to England, I’ve got the stamp to prove it. But I saw nothing while I was there. Some day soon I’ll go back and check shit out.

If you’re thinking of going there, all I have to say is fly Air New Zealand!! It is the most amazing airline I have ever been on, and I’ve been on a ton in the last year. They were unbelievable, I had my own pod that I slept in with 3 blankets and 82 pillows, watch movies, ate gourmet food, and had high-tea. This was a big deal for this lil ole trannie butch boi from Maine. Yeeeow! Air New Zealand!!

I landed in LA several hours ago and I have no clue what time it is. I leave in less than 24 hours to back east to see my girl and do some shows.

Can someone tell me what time it is?

LYMI, XO – Ian