The “T” in Tears

Back in fall of 2005, after teens of years of therapy, long and careful thought, weighing pros/cons, researching health concerns, a complete physical, and pushed by my own intense desire; I decided to go on hormones. For those of you not in-the-know (in Tranny boi lingo) I went on “T”. T is short for the stuff most biological males start producing themselves, at about twelve and a half years old, Testosterone. T comes in a few different forms, none of them oral. All of them are either injected into a muscle or in gel form rubbed on soft tissue areas of the body. I went on a type of cotton seed oil based Testosterone. It’s thick, oily liquid, that comes in a little brown vile. Some physicians have you to inject once a week, while others every two weeks. Also, where you inject it is up to you. Some shoot it in their ass muscle and while others like me, shoot in the quad, alternating legs every week.

It took me a long time to make my decision to go on about hormones. I really wanted to begin to see on the outside what I had seen in my head my whole life. It just came to a point where I was tired of thinking I looked a certain way in my head and looking in the mirror and seeing something different. I wanted a masculine shape to my body, chest, arms and shoulders. I wanted facial hair, some stubble, maybe a goatee. But I knew I couldn’t make the choice to move forward with this while I was in a relationship. I thought my partner would leave if I made that decision while I was with them. I was afraid they would think I was freakish.

Early summer 2005 I was in a relationship that just ended. It wasn’t my choice but lets just say sometimes our higher power/universe does something for us that we won’t do for ourselves, you know? She left for another relationship and her timing ended up being perfect. The entire breakup was, of course hard, but it propelled me into a place where I was ready to make a decision about hormones. I was single and I didn’t have to take anyone else’s feelings about my desire for T into account when making my decision. It was time to take care of me and I made my decision.

For the six months that I was on the juice, I felt fine. There were no Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde effects going on – nothing like that. No moments of rage or anger. People often have the misconception that Testosterone is like steroids, with fits of rage and violence. It’s just not like that. If you were a jackass before T, then you will still be a jackass after T. If you were a sweet, caring guy before, you will be just that. No personality traits were altered while being on T. Well, unless you can call increased libido and wanting to romp ALL THE TIME a personality trait, then yes, there was that one thing.

Everything seemed fine on T with one exception. I was feeling like I was a little emotionally flat. I don’t know if that’s the right way to explain it. But it was like I couldn’t quite access my feelings and there were plenty of things that I had feelings about, a new relationship being one of them. The feeling were more thoughts in my head and they seemed to stay there. They never really seemed to reach my body, especially my heart. It was hard because I could tell you that I was sad or having a hard time, but I couldn’t/wouldn’t show it.

I wasn’t sure what to do about feeling flat, so I went looking for support from other Trans guys online. I think technology and support groups are amazing. How beautiful that the Web can connect so many guys and help them feel normal and okay inside, just from talking with other guys who feel similar. It’s sooo important to know other guys out there who feel like we do. It can be truly life-saving to know you’re not the only one in the world that has ever felt the way you do. While on the other hand, I think it’s important to make my own decision in the long run without the influence and/or sometimes pack mentality of a group. That was something that always concerned me when I was in the process of making a big decision, like hormones or surgery. I never wanted to make a final decision with all the words of other Trans guys experiences in my head. For me, it’s good to information gather as much as possible, then when I’m ready make my decision with only my words and desires in my head.

A few months into being on T, I joined a Yahoo group for comfort, support, discussion and education with other Trans guys. I shared immediately on-list that I was unable to cry and that I was considering going off hormones to see if that was the reason and if it would help. I didn’t like the flatness I felt. It seemed like too big of a trade-off for me to give up my emotional self in order to fill the desire to look differently on the outside. So I asked the other guys on-list if they had felt the similar and if so, what did they do? The responses varied. Some guys could relate, while others could at times, and some guys were happy to feel that way, and another bunch didn’t have my problem at all, they could cry easily. I got one message back from a guy on-list that was totally fucked up! In fact, it was so fucked up that I saved the email so I could quote it at times like these. It read like this: “You seriously should reconsider if you really want to be a man if you’re thinking about going to go off T because you can’t cry!” I was so fucking mad at this guy’s on-list ignorant response, that I wrote back: “You’re extremely careless to imply that I am not already a man with or without hormones. Hormones are not what makes me a man.”

I wish I could say it made me cry, but it just made me not want to be a part of anything with that dillweed on-list. What a jackass, seriously. So I left the list. For other guys out there, this incident was highly unusual! Other than that one guy, who I don’t even consider a member of the Trans community because of his lack of care and respect for his fellows, I have had only amazing, supportive experiences with my Trans brothers. That little tiny prick of a Tranny boi was just that, a little prick. Jerks come in all forms and once in a great while, they even come in Tranny boi form. Ah well.

Moving on.. I think it’s important to mention that I got into relationship a couple-three weeks after I started hormones. My voice was just starting to change and it sounded like I had a cold. Week by week, my voice was sounding more raspy, a little like Janis Joplin. When I would talk to my Mom on the phone, who knew I was on T but would forget, she would ask me if I had a cold nearly every time.

It was my full intention to stay single when I started Testosterone. I thought it would be better that way knowing I had other decisions to consider and I wanted to be clear-headed. But sometimes when a relationship comes knockin’, you just got to do it, you know? Part of my part, in that relationship was that I helped setup the structure with her pretty quick. I wasn’t really entirely the best version of myself with her and I never really grew out of my initial nerves, never really finding my voice with her. I held her in such high regard; she was super smart and pretty, and with her I felt seen and understood for the first time in a long time. I was worried about screwing it up and thought maybe being on T would impact both of our lives and she might leave. I just didn’t want to ruin it, so much so, that I never really became my authentic self. I feel like this was likely a a good portion of the reason in why it didn’t work out. I mean sure, there were glimpses of the real me in there, but I was pretty bent on being a Stone Butch, Tranny Boi, a wannabe tough guy. Maybe had the relationship lasted longer than it did, I might have settled in and found my voice.

I see now and admit that I rarely showed my feelings when I had them. I would process them in my head and when I did name them they would rarely reach my heart and radiate throughout the rest of my body. It seems like it was so long ago now that it’s hard to try to dig it up accurately. That relationship ended after about six months, with a little bit of that dyke thing that can happen at the end.. with a little on again/off again kind of thing. It’s so lezzie to do that, but sometimes you just gotta do it that way to work it out.

I remember before this particular relationship and before I went on Testosterone, I used to be able to cry just fine. In fact, I did it often, albeit privately, but I did cry. I cried uncontrollably from the breakup before this one and since then there were certainly things that warranted a sob, but I just couldn’t access it. So around the time of this breakup, I was still on T and clearly achy from how hard it was but I felt like my feelings were locked in my head. I am such a fucking Gemini too, I love being in my head.

I decided to go off hormones and test my theory in hopes that I might feel less flat-lined. I do think the split with my girlfriend at the time, somewhat fueled my decision to stop taking T. I thought maybe my reaction to hormones were partial reason for the ending of the relationship. But ultimately, in the end if hormones were the culprit in assisting me to not feel my feelings, like I mentioned before, it was too big of a trade-off for me, and I wanted me back.

About two and a half weeks after my last T injection I wanted to see if I could cry, so I went to the movie store trying to think of what film was sure to bring some tears. I rented Bridges of Madison County, and sure enough, I wept like a little girl for many things that night. You know when you cry most times, you think you’re crying for one thing, but a flood of many other things come to join that one thing. Well that night, I wept for Meryl Streep’s character Francesca and when she is sitting in her husbands old pickup truck and it’s all she can do to not pull the door handle and run to her lovers truck. But I was really finally crying for the loss and sadness of my own relationship and that my eyes had been dry for more than seven months and even though I never fully shined in that relationship, I cried because I was scared that I would never been seen and understood by another girl like that again. Ironically I remember her telling me early in the relationship that there were others out there like her and that I would find someone else like her – Femmes who would understand. That night in front of my TV, with Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood and the credits to that film, I was having feelings throughout my whole body. They were big and hard to have, but they were beautiful because I was having them. I was grateful to have tears again.

I stayed off hormones for the next couple years but thought about going back on regularly. In the beginning of being off of them I was sure it was the T that made me flat. It wasn’t until recently that I began to question whether it was the hormones ORRRR was it the relationship structure that I had developed so early on with that girlfriend? Was it me trying to be the tough guy, shutting down and refusing to access my feelings, even if it wasn’t consciously.. was it me or the hormones?

My voice of desire to change my exterior and to be more visibly masculine was getting loud again, I couldn’t squelch it. It was December 2007, after careful deliberation I made an appointment with my Doctor, told her what happened and discussed going on again but on a lesser dosage. I started T again that week and I’ve been on them this time for a little more than seven months. So far the impact of being on T has been: my libido has gone through the roof like it did before; my voice lowered again and I think it’s pretty deep now; my beard is coming in pretty quickly; my body shape and muscle mass has changed. It’s incredibly to watch it all happen before my own eyes. I wish there was a way to keep me still long enough to do some time lapse photography of me, the morphing Trannie. And this time, I still have my tears.

I’m in a relationship now with someone different. She’s incredibly lovely and she is the proof of what my previous girlfriend said to me about how there were others out there who would see me how I see myself. Thanks to my current girlfriend and I, our dynamic and our friendship; I have been my authentic self with her from the beginning. I think it’s largely due to the fact that we met each other wounded, healing, and vulnerable – we were friends first! That was a first for me. I was already me and she was already her, we created a calm, sharing rapport that definitely set the tone for our romantic relationship when we took that step across the friendship line. She is gorgeous, smart, and doesn’t take any crap, certainly not from me. We laugh a lot and she knows how to bend, in life. She is one of those gals that you can ask her to dance with you at 2am in the middle of the street to a song that you love that came up on the shuffle feature of your iPOD and it’s blaring out your car window. She’s a ‘yes’ girl and I love that. She opens my bronchials and I acutally breathe easier when she’s near me.

I was super nervous when I confessed to her the return of my desire to go back on T. She was amazing about it and incredibly supportive about wanting for me what I want for myself – and not in that pushover sort of way. Trust me when that girl has something important to say, you’ll hear it. I know she has had feelings and concerns, based on what I told her about my previous attempt at hormones. But I think we both can see that emotional space I’m in with myself and with her are good. This relationship was setup in a completely different way. She’s seen me cry, she’s been witness to my ability to feel. I believe I’m healthy, and in a healthy relationship, while on T and things are sweet. I’m present and feeling, but I also feel like I need to stay on top of it – no slacking aloud! I don’t want to not be paying attention sometime and WHAM! I’m back in that place. So I’m completely optimistic but on my toes at the same time.

As far as conclusion as to which thing was THE major contributor to my not being able to cry? Shit, it could have been both the hormones and how that previous relationship was setup? I may never know for sure and that’s okay. I think I will just accept it as is and take more info if it comes.

I’m just happy that I’m still able to cry. It just so happens that tonight while trying to hammer out this blog I had the TV on. In the background the whole time I was clicking away, it was on that gay network, Bravo and Brokeback Mountain was on twice in a row. Yes! Back-to-back Brokebacks! I cried in three different times in the movie and because I watched it both times, (loser) that was six times that I cried. Jeezuz! I guess it’s better than crying at the end of The Wedding Singer when Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore on the plane – which I did just the other night. OMG I’m soooo gay!

Now standing at my podium: If it is the hormones, have some compassion for some of the biological males in your life that can’t quite be completely present or can’t quite cry. BUT I think it’s everyone’s responsibility to at least try and stay on top of it. Testosterone, whether you produce it yourself or if you inject it, is not an excuse to emotionally check out. For other Tranny bois like me out there, my thoughts: Open your mouths, speak your truth, show up, be present, feel throughout your whole body, be yourself and people will love you, make other guy friends like you, Butches included! It’s so important to know there are others out there like us, it can be life-saving or changing. If you come across a prick, keep on truckin’, the good guys always outweigh them.

With “T”ears,
LYMI, XOXO – Ian